妖山日記 Monstrous Mountain Diary

Never has another question startled me as much as this one: How are you? Ca va? 你好嗎？ No matter in which language It scares to the degree that I would turn to another direction and run away How am I? Let me tell you, When I say, I'm fine I actually mean, I'm fucked up. When I say alright, I actually mean, nothing's right When I say not bad, I actually mean, it's too bad to begin I can't answer you in detail or a slice of honesty Because I'm too ashamed to admit how chaotic my life has become I'm too scared to tell people how weak I am I rather stay silent Or trivialize you with insignificant details Would it help if I reveal my self-destructive lifestyle? Would it help if I admit my incapability? The god-damn self-esteem forbids me The small vanity I accumulates stops me Or let's say, I'm too coward to confess Knowing that people might see me differently Or even worse, people would just leave a comment and gone Leavi

20181011 從韓國回來，發現台灣真的有了秋天的樣子了。 躲著躲著，衣服都要換季了，煩惱跟焦慮還是差不多。增長的，只有累積的債。 越來越容易逃遁，明明知道躲進洞裡一點幫助也沒有，但就寧可自我放逐。我很想解釋為被我的第二人格綁架，所以我無法像過去一樣積極努力正面負責。雖然我知道，其實只是原本那個認真的靈魂開始學會怠惰。 不知道是洞原本就在那裡，還是裂縫默默地越破越大？我不知道為什麼要以這樣的方式摧殘原本就所剩無幾的資本，可是人好像有這種病態的喜好。 掉進洞裡的時間越長，越會開始恍惚，彷彿那樣才是日常，彷彿穿好衣服化上妝，走出洞外的時間時，那都只是偽裝的堅強。真正的我只能癱軟在棉被裡，不想面對任何事物，只想把思考跟理性都割捨，將自己浸泡在韓劇裡的戀愛泡泡，簡單粗暴地將時光蹂躪。 以一種絲毫不移動不費力的絕對頹廢漂浮在時間裡，我把「活著」這件事減輕到最極致。然而我不理解的是，我又曾真正極度努力，完整付出嗎？ 簡直像犯罪跟贖罪的循環。 覺得太可恥了連告解都沒有勇氣。明明好像擁有很多卻這樣放棄，明明應該前進但是卻停滯不前。 我不知道怎麼跟自己和解。